How "Sandy" became a Zombie Part 2

For the leaders of this people cause them to err, and they that are led by them are destroyed.  Isaiah 9, 16


Dear Reader!

In the last post we got to know "Sandy" from the US who married the co-leader of my cult. I will tell her story from my perspective with love because that is what I had always felt for her, but the truth remains painful. If she ever reads my recollection of the time when our paths crossed for a few years I hope she will find my memory to be honoring and accurate.

Obviously Sandy and the co-leader barely knew each other as they had not spent much time together but a week at a time during international conferences, over the phone and maybe skype. And more than that Sandy barely had a clue what she had gotten herself into concerning our little group of Zombies. The leader fooled her with his charm.

She moved over to Germany to get married and have a leadership role next to the two leaders. She had proven herself to the leader; he had gotten to know her a little better by travelling to the US after the infamous women's conference and spoke of her only in highest terms, she would be a shepherd to our apostolic group (that had an apostle and a co-apostle but no other apostolic roles filled, as described in Ephesians 4). We women were looking forward to a more feminine leadership style.

You could argue that it is pretty drastic and maybe even foolish to follow a fairly unknown man into his country, which language you don't speak, to marry him and give up your former life. And that is what some people did tell her.
But Sandy told all the voices of doubt in her life back in the US that this was God working out his romantic magic. That her leaving everything behind after a guy visiting from Germany for a week and proposing to her, to live in Germany was what she believed God had arranged for her to do. She said she had seen signs and visions all over the place for a while, feeding her obsessive faith that she will get married soon. And then came the man from Germany to propose. It had to be God. She even used the term of "divinely arranged marriage".

Her first weeks with us were ecstatic. We were excited to have her among us. She was excited to be among us. It was the middle of December of 2007. I at that time was still suffering from my broken relationship with James. The two love birds were very much attracted to each other and could barely keep there hands off of each other. We had never seen the co-leader so happy and relaxed. Sandy lived with one of the women of our group, enjoyed getting to know our Christmas spirited city, and started to focus on applying for permanent residency next to planing her wedding, which I helped her with. There were also plans of her learning to speak German, but that is easier said than done in a quite English-savvy country. I spent a lot of time with her, as the co-leader was busy being the co-leader and I, having been a college student, had more free time on my hands.

Falling from Grace so soon

It was somewhere in those first weeks that the leader told me when I was alone with him in the car, that a wife should not be involved in her husband's ministry. After all, his own wife was not part of the group either. That was true. I had often wondered how she was doing with her husband being absent most of the day, especially knowing that he had entertained an affair with a young woman he claimed to disciple not too long ago.

I was shocked and told him that he had presented her as an apostolic shepherd leader to us. He said he now had his doubts about that. I left the conversation feeling terrible for Sandy. She had come with the clear expectation that she would be a leader in our group, side by side with her husband, ministering to foreigners, her personal dream (granted she was more drawn towards an East-European or Middle-East population, but who knew what God had in store for her, right?).

What had happened? I have come to believe that the leader felt threatened by Sandy.
-He knew that she had worked closely with internationally known individuals in the US he wanted to be close with- but had been ignored by.
-She had a lot of experience leading people.
-She had her own opinions.
-She disagreed with the leader on some things.
-She was very meek. She had God-given authority.
-She naturally assumed leadership during a healing prayer which I recall vividly; the holy spirit had shifted the authority from the leader's hands, who usually led prayers, into hers and the leader did not know what to do about this strange sensation but to stop the whole meeting, later blaming her for undermining him. It was awkward for everybody involved.
-Being a narcissist, he also must have hated to have to share his best friend now with a woman.
-He did not even get the pleasure of "prophesying" to the co-leader who he would marry like he had tried in the past, the co-leader had acted all on his own.

This marriage was not going to be beneficial to the leader at all. So now the leader's plan was to just get them married and have her get pregnant right away so she can stay at home, keep her mouth shut, and he can have his best friend and most loyal servant back.

Happily married ever after?

In the new year things did not change for the better. Their wedding in March certainly was a highlight for the whole group and brought a bunch of US visitors, some of them quite suspicious, to our group. But unfortunately for Sandy she got very sick. It started with a cold that would not go away and developed back into a tonsillitis which she had been treated for back in the US. But back then she had run out of money to pay for all the antibiotics she needed to get completely bacteria free- to support her sister instead. By that time we actually thought that God had sent Sandy to us not for our sake but to literally save her life as she had medical coverage as soon as she had married and with that accesss to medication. I remember telling her that if she had been with us we would have made her aware of her unhealthy bond with her mentally sick sister. I recall her responding that in America people are careful with intruding into someone's personal life.

But the months after her wedding went by and not only did she not get pregnant she also did not get better. Soon she was limping and could not move one of her arms anymore due to the inflammation that had spread throughout her body. I recall the leader mentioning that her not getting pregnant was a sign for her spiritual state.

One evening the co-leader led a gathering and the few of us sat as usual in our too big room for the small amount of people that we were as he stood in front of us by the podium struggling to get the meeting started. We had never seen him looking so pathetic and small. We had no idea what was going on with him, but apparently it must have been very challenging because for the next hour or two we did nothing but stand and listen to the song "Turn your eyes on Jesus" performed by Hillsong in a loop at the top of the speakers ability, ... over and over again. That is all I remember happening that night. Needless to say that I needed some time to stop associating Hillsong music with the cult.

Soon after that, and please forgive me as I do not recall the exact chronology of the events, I sat with Sandy in her kitchen. She was but a shadow of herself and told me in a quiet voice looking down at the floor that her husband had told her that she is more rebellious than all of us women together and that he is considering to kick her out of the group. There she sat at the kitchen table looking like a weak, cried-out little girl that faced the worst punishment she could imaging: Having to watch alone from the inside as others were joyfully playing outside. I felt so sorry for her. I was wondering if I would be allowed to still hang out with her if she got kicked out. Usually the rules were clear- leaving the group on what ever terms meant something was terribly wrong with that person and God had basically forsaken them. But this was the co-leader's wife! Would he be able to treat her like that? I put the two events together and realized that he had attempted to find some sanity after this terrible fight with her that one night a few days ago.

Days later she told us women, when she was allowed to join us again, that in another fight he eventually sat down on their bed totally broken and asked her if he should release her back to the US. That, according to her, was the sweetest thing ever, softened her heart towards him, and made her agree with what ever they couldn't agree on before. She seemed better after that, at least her staying in the group was out of the question. Apparently it also helped to "cut all unhealthy soul ties" with friends and relatives in the US, meaning that she had to delete her facebook account and other social networks she was a part of. Any time she considered traveling to the US, be it for a funeral, wedding or because she missed her family and friends, her husband would "sense in the spirit" that she wasn't to leave the country.

Falling apart

In the year 2008 in front of our very eyes fell apart that woman who we got to know as a spiritual powerhouse, lioness, and picture of gracefulness. She became more and more careful in what she dared to speak out loud, as the walls had ears in our group, sounded more like her extremly critical husband in the harsher way she was suddenly seeing fault that needed to be addressed right away everywhere in our women's group, and one had to be careful what to say around her as she over-spiritualized even the most common comment, sometimes carrying it to the co-leader as well; which meant more feared sudden "announcements calls".

The climax of her physical and maybe emotional suffering probably took place when she needed a tonsillectomy in the fall of 2008. Expressing how much he did not care for her (or of course, based on the "holy spirit's leading"), the leader had scheduled a mission trip for himself and the co-leader to India to start a couple of days after her surgery.

Before they went on this trip, leaving Sandy in the care of us women, we had a meeting at her hospital. During that meeting, as we all went for a walk on the hospital grounds, Sandy publicly apologized to the leader and repented for rebelling against his authority. We had been trained to look at sickness as an expression of some kind of sin as the root cause, but I still was shocked that she felt convicted of this daring crime! She looked him straight in the eyes with a dead-serious face and spoke out those words. It was a courageous, if not desperate, move on her part.

The leader appreciated the gesture and publicly forgave her and prayed for her healing. Truth be told- she slowly got better after this. Back then I had thought it was her repentance- now I am seeing also the fact that she had surgery as a factor in this nightmare equation. By that time James and I had gotten engaged and he actually witnessed this strange moment.

Would God ask a fresh husband to leave his even fresher out of (for an adult) traumatic surgery coming wife for a week to go build his kingdom somewhere far else? Somehow I doubt it. But apparently the co-leader felt it was the right thing to do, so off they went and mostly I and another woman did our best to keep Sandy company, and help her through the painful post-surgery week. She was in a lot of pain and had long lost access to her sweet and upbeat personality.

Already during the first evening she had a melt-down about how I am not providing the care I should and she wishes that they had left her with someone more mature and mommy-like. I apologized profusely, realizing that I had no experience in tending to a very sick person. But there was more to the story.

The night before I had a dream in which I was Sandy. My tonsils were removed, which I was awake for in my dream, I felt incredible pain, and then I cried out from the bottom of my heart "Husband, why did you leave me alone in this?". I told her about my dream and finally there was a moment of long desired honesty; she was heartbroken about her new husband leaving her alone in this. She had put on the obedience mask until then but finally dared to express that it was challenging for her.

"Not to idolize" her constantly absent husband was apparently something God was working on with her (and coincidentally? also with all the few other wives of the group) and she said she needs to look at it as part of her sanctification.

The week until he returned remained painful for her, physically and emotionally, quite sacrificial for me, and she had to make one more emergency trip to the hospital which was very discomforting for her, but I will spare you the details.

Of course the leader was raving about their India-trip, claiming all sorts of great experiences, and God-led appointments. After all the trip was force-sponsored by one of the younger members (but that is a different story), so it better had been meaningful. The co-leader turned out to not have had such a great time as he was sick himself most of the trip.

Turning the page


Towards the end of the year overall things started to change for Sandy. She got pregnant and seemed happier. Probably due to her weakened condition she would have qualified for worst-first-trimester-ever-award, as she threw up after eating or not eating seemingly all the time. After a while she was able to figure out some specific food sensitivities, but her situation offered little to envy.

She had caved in. She was not the Sandy we knew anymore. She spoke and sounded like an English speaking female version of the co-leader who was an impersonation of the leader. But she was one of us regulars, not a leader. She now had found her position at the co-leader's side who stood at the leader's side, which was being a quiet intercessor and becoming a quiet mother. The Sandy we knew had to leave, she could not survive under the incredible emotional, physical and spiritual pressure the leader essentially caused.
She did what we all did when we thought that leaving was not an option: Become a Zombie.

After giving birth to their first child we didn't see much of Sandy. She barely was present at meetings or services as the leader did not like (baby-) interruptions during his speaking times. Mothers could partake by listening to the Internet live-stream of services that James helped set up. I would visit her to spend some time with her.

A week after James and I got married she called me with a very interesting dream she had about me, but this I will share in a different post.

The last communication I ever had with her was a text message from her to warn me to not engage in a discussion about the leader in an upcoming dinner with my visiting new parents-in-law, after she had tuned into the service live-stream with a standing-out-insane-message from the leader that we all had attended.

I know very little about her current situation but that she now has more kids and loves her role as a mother, but she still has not been back to the US ever.

Why did Sandy not see that (again) the leader was practically the source of all her problems? That marrying the co-leader meant basically being wed to the leader, since the co-leader mostly gave up thinking for himself a long time ago? What were the details of her disagreements with the leader?

I suspect that at the begining of her time with us she did notice controlling, opressive and old-testament fashioned dictator theology induced behaviour, especially compared to the more polite and edifying "american style" she was used to (which the leader liked to mock). But pointing that out had made her the target of the leader's sudden disapproval in the first place.

I recall a meeting between the leaders and her before the wedding that was supposed to clarify things, but all the leader did in this meeting was blaming the "obviously unresolved issue of abuse in her childhood" for her current rebellion, furthering her disempowerment (since I was helping out with the renovation of their living space I overheard parts of the conversation, she shared a little about it as well). I now think that her past issues had been more resolved that she realized herself as they had made her extra-sensitive to the abuse that was going on in our group.

The leader did not want to be challenged. Seeing him act for three years it became obvious that he would shut down, attack, or kick out any voice of critisicm. All he wanted was a group of faithful followers that jump on his command. If a person had no alterior motive, "no skin in the game", they would smell the herring and disappear. With Sandy's strong desire, I call it truly an obsession, of getting married soon, she had "her eyes on the prize", namely marrying the man that proposed to her, rather than looking seriously at the flashing red flags and the blaring alarm sirens that presented themselves in the three months before their wedding.

I am not saying that it was not God's plan for those two to get married. The co-leader's slavish obedience to the leader put these two in the mess they were in for a while and probably still would be had Sandy not given in. He also could have realized that the leader and his control were the real issue in the scenario, but he had made his according to himself "lifetime deciscion" to be covanented to the leader, which apparantly included accepting abuse and bringing other people into the same abusive scenario.

This was her story as far as I am able to tell it. If you ever feel moved to pray for her, go ahead. I want to doubt that all the potential God has put in this wonderful woman will fall short of what it was supposed to accomplish in this world just because of a Zombie-leader and a sad impersonator.

To discovering that the Good News are much better than we thought!

How "Sandy" Became a Zombie Part 1

"Do not mistreat or oppress a foreigner, for you were foreigners in Egypt." Exodus 22, 21

Dear Reader!

A horribly inhuman scandal was emerging within Germany recently; Security officers working in different fugitive camps across Germany are now under investigation for abusing and humiliating fugitives, taking photos and videos of some of their criminal acts. The media coverage shed light on the chaotic fugitive handling in these days of severely increased fugitive numbers needing at a minimum food, shelter, and protection. To be overwhelmed with the sudden need and therefore not being able to quickly deliver best care possible for every single fugitive is one thing, but for individuals to abuse their power and responsibility over people in desperate need is plainly shocking. A movie like "The Experiment" shows how easily people are seduced by the power their are entrusted with for a time and how in their minds they can justify to mistreat the ones without power.

I cannot imagine the living conditions and circumstances in these fugitive camps but apparently only 4-6 officials were hired to tend to and protect hundreds of people in one facility. Lack of supervision led to officials with alleged neo-nazi background to get away with cruelly "lording over" problem causing fugitives and rather than keeping their human dignity in mind, "disciplining" them without measure. It is unknown at this point who exactly was subject to their abuse.

This situation really strikes a chord within me. First, the scenario that someone in need of help falls into the hands of a predator.

Any abuse, including spiritual abuse, is made possible by the mere state of need or lack of empowerment of a person. Overpowering a weaker person is different from misusing a person entrusting themselves in someone's care because they are out of other options. I do not know much about the mindset of a fugitive but I understand the need to leave everything you knew behind and hand your life over to someone else. I cannot relate to having to flee from my home country because I am faced with war or violent persecution. But I can relate to realizing the need to start anew and needing help with that. It takes an element of trust, which is always a risk. "Will the person/group/country I entrust myself with end up taking advantage of me or even hurt me?" is probably not the first thing on the mind of a desperate person, having been sparked to trust someone.

But "Sandy" (I changed her name for obvious reasons) was neither in need of help nor a fugitive when she left her home country, the US, and married the Co-Leader of our group. Though she may have had three severe conditions of a different kind. When I met her first at the infamous women's conference in 2007 it became obvious by simply spending time with her that she was an awesome young woman of God in many ways, especially gifted in ministering to and shepherding others, but when it came to her personal life she only had one thing on her mind besides having an unhealthy relationship to her very needy and mentally sick sister: To get married, soon.

So obviously we shared the obsession of getting married soon, but I thought I had the advantage that I thought God had told me that I was going to marry the Co-Leader. When I told her about it on a walk through our beautiful city I heard a voice inside of me saying that it won't be me marrying the Co-Leader; but it will be her. I acknowledged that voice as fast as I ignored it. But I never forgot.

When the Co-Leader went to the US a few months later and came back after a week an engaged man it was clear that I had heard right. Besides that in the meantime I had had my own conviction of leaving the need for a husband with Jesus, so I felt a sense of relief about the development of the story. Within half a year of that conference she had left her life in the US behind and moved to Germany, ever since then having never been able to return to her former home again, neither for funerals or weddings or simply to visit. Celebrating her upcoming wedding as a miraculous move of God, quoting some spiritual guy on marriage that "we don't get married to become happy, but to become holy", she had no clue that she would literally lose her voice in the process.  Poor Sandy.

In the next post we will learn more about what happened to her,

To discovering that the Good News are much better than we thought!

House Of Zombies

Remember those who have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the Word of God. Follow their faith, considering the outcome of their manner of living.

                                                                  Hebrews 13,7 (21st King James Version)


Dear Reader!

First, thanks to everyone who responded to me personally about the last post, a tough one to read. I was encouraged to receive feedback and strengthened in my hope that these posts are bringing wisdom to others. 

In the past few weeks I have started to watch the Netflix original show "House of Cards". After the first episode I was hesitant to continue as the main character and his wife are basically on an unstoppable pursuit of political power, driven by mere vanity, using, deceiving, and discarding the ones also in hopes to jump up the ladder. All that darkness and lack of moral conviction seemed too bad to expose my mind to. I chose to continue to check it out and got sucked into the schemes, crimes, abuse, and foul play, realizing eventually that in the main character I am observing the mindset of a psychopathic leader, quite familiar to me. 

Yes, to my best knowledge my former cult leader is a psychopath, following the definition that a psychopath is a person that hurts others and never feels remorse. A recommendable explanation of a psychopath in 18 pictures based on the Hare Definition can be found here:  http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Psychopath

So my question in today's post is: 

Can psychopathic leaders be recognized for who they are before they trap you? 

I believe "yes". Here is why and how;

It is all about emerging character. Character is defined by Merriam-Webster as: 
the way someone thinks, feels, and behaves : someone's personality
You can create a shiny stage persona, but eventually the real you will shine through, especially to an open minded, not infatuated observer.   

1) Today's Bible quote from Hebrews advises us to observe leaders closely. Not only their teachings, their preachings, prayers, prophecies, published books or number of children; On the contrary, it tells us to observe them as a person when they DO NOT have the mic (even though they can surely expose their issues during all of the above). 
What ever observations of character, good, bad or ugly, needs to be taken seriously. If there are any grievances concerning their character, then...
2) Leaders need to be made aware of the observed shortcomings. In this step it is all about observing how a leader reacts to issues concerning his person being brought to his attention. This step is as crucial as the first, because it brings even more character to the surface. 
a) If the leader responds to criticism with humility- even if the observation was wrong- there is hope for that leader. 
b) If the leader diverts the attention away from his exposed weakness to the person who brings it up, making them the problem, the rebellious one, the one that "touches the anointed", we have a clear case of a bad leader in the making. 

I'm going to show you how this can play out with two minor but telling cult-times experiences:

The Case Of The Shared Breakfast-Rolls Basket

Early on in my cult days the leaders asked me and other new followers to meet them for social outings. It so happened that one Sunday morning my eventually best friend in the group, let's call her Ms. Co-Dependent from now on, and I met the two leaders for breakfast at a nice restaurant. We decided to order a breakfast for 4 and were given one little basket with a small selection of rolls. Ms. Co-Dependent took offense in the leader picking the one roll that happened to be the only one of its kind in our basket, without asking the others if they may want it. She brought this up to me later that day and I, seeing that it was bothering her, encouraged her to bring it up to the leader. So, she did. That phone call did not go as well as desired. The leader behaved in a 2b) manner, telling her that it is wrong from her to question him like that and that he deserves the roll he wants, being the leader he is. Both she and I were intimidated by this display of power and felt bad for thinking badly of him. Petty example, but clear display of bad character. 


The Case Of The Ridiculed Son

If there was any particular group culture established, next to dressing up, it would be ridicule. The leader set the tone of never ending, constant ridiculing of others, pointing out their flaws, their weaknesses, serious problems, mocking and laughing about anyone for what ever reason he could find. It was great entertainment to him and a clear power play as no one could ever get to him without being ridiculed even more. This was like in a food chain passed on to the next lower in the ranks person if he wasn't around. 

I, back in the days when I was considered a to-be-reckoned-with prophetic voice, pointed this out to the leader various times. But it was also ignored various times. Then there was this one time when the leader had his 4 or 5 year old son with him at a service. After meeting me so many times I was surprised to see his son not calling me by name, but hanging on to his fathers legs. So, in front of the leader, I asked his son if my name was the name of Ms. Co-Dependent. 

That harmless question, originating from a place of trying to get this little kid to remember my name, was turned into a severe case of child maltreatment, which of course had to be followed up with one of those "meetings with the leader/s", that was initiated with a phone call- during my studies for a near exam- of the co leader telling me that he is going to pick me up at a certain place in the city in 15 minutes, which of course are never 15 minutes, so what the heck did I drop everything and ran there for?, being finally picked up by the co leader to realize that he enjoys that I am literally in fear over this sudden meeting, being late to meet the leader which meant running to catch up with the leader and his dogs for their walk; and that ended with me repenting for child abuse and not washing my hair that morning, me defending that my fiancé (who was still living in the US at that time) IS the right choice for my life, and go on with the creepy feeling that, according to the leader, I am drifting into some weird spiritualism that he couldn't pinpoint clearly. Another clear case of bad character and really bad leadership, and again made possible by an intimidated even more confused version of myself.

Conclusion

We can know a bad tree by bad fruits, Jesus said so 2000 years ago. I was too distracted, infatuated, and immature to apply that wisdom and got badly burned. But there is a lot of hope in this lesson! Don't allow yourself to get away with bad character and apply the same standard to others, especially the ones that have authority over you. I am not speaking of a rebellious, anti-establishment attitude; 

I have learned from my past mistakes and know now better what it means to walk through life free from idolizing people. I want to see them how and for what God sees them. I desire to see the truth and not be distracted by vain promises. I have put my ambitions in life into God's hand and therefore don't need shady people to help me up a ladder. I have nothing to prove to anyone as I have proven already that those pursuits really do not work well for me. I have surrendered into Jesus' lead. I have never known more peace and freedom from anxiety than in this season. Talk of some good fruit!

As messed up, corrupted, immorally explicit, and ethically debilitated the show "House Of Cards" is, we can learn from the unfolding story. Everybody has a motive that needs to be identified and then can be used to get them to become one's puppet or, if that doesn't work; everybody has a nasty secret that can be discovered and used to blackmail them so they do what you want them to. And all that so that one man can fulfill his aspirations of grandeur. It works in fiction and it works in reality. The more we know and let the Holy Spirit clean up our motives and come to terms with our secrets the less ammunition a bad leader has to shoot us with. The more we look to God to fulfill our needs the less likely we are to become slaves of others. 

We will continue to look at what good and bad leadership looks like in future posts.

To discovering that the Good News are much better than we thought!

Zombie-Trap Part 3

1) The right bait that will have the prey keep "its eye on the prize". Of course flies won't fly into your mouse trap, nor will mice stick to fly attracting glue strips.
2) A confinement system that is easy to get in and hard to get out.  
3) Really mean traps have a function where the animal wounds itself in the attempt to get out, like a wolf in a wolf trap with teeth, getting even more stuck in the trap, eventually tiring out in pain and defeat.  

               (Paraphrased from "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse", Chapter 17)

Dear Reader!

In the last post I tried to get to the bottom of why I chose to stay in my group, even though we had moved way past the honeymoon stage and I actually suffered emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Today we will look at how everything got nauseating worse as I tried to define the living condition within my jail cell, but instead of running the other way, I still stayed. Trapped in false hope.

Recapping the season I am going to describe to you today is still a raw and painful place to visit for my husband and me- almost 7 years later. We have decided that the major reason for experiencing that total sickening sensation stems from the fact that our lives were led by crazy people. 

My now-husband and back then boyfriend James came to visit me a few weeks after my trip to Elk River. During our time together in Minnesota he had started a relationship with God, after having a very personal revelation. The leaders had suggested he should attend a men's conference that they were offering that fall in Germany. I gladly handed him over to their care, for I trusted that they would disciple him. It soon became clear that they did not see much in him but an over-mothered spiritual baby. The co leader asked me if someone like Peter from the New Testament would date a spiritual baby. James told me that they had made fun of him for not finding a certain book in the Bible straight away. 

Note to self here; Ridicule only serves one end: To elevate the ridiculer and to downgrade the recipient. 

They only saw one solution to the spiritual mess they considered him in- as a Philosophy student not being able or willing to simply repeat decrees of faith or accept certain theologies as dogma without understanding them first; he needed to get baptized. 

James didn't want to get baptized. He didn't think he was ready. He wasn't even sure yet if he believed in Jesus as his personal savior. He wasn't sure yet what that meant. But all that did not matter. So I became the handyman of the co leader in the plot to corner him until he would agree to get baptized asap. I told James that I wanted to go to a certain bar with him, but did not mention the part where the co leader and another guy would be waiting for us there. 

We all were successful. James gave in. It wasn't the promise of an "open heaven" at this step of obedience, nor that he thought it was the right thing to do, he gave in to the pressure. James trusted me. So, in a freezing cold moonlit November night the love of my life James got coerced to be dunked under lake water in the leader's neighborhood, he then had to change outside by the lake into not wet clothes, and then endure an "angel tracking prayer", led by the leader, that went on for about two hours and had us attempt to retrace the steps of an angel that I swore I could perceive in vision. Every once in a while I would open my eyes and see James shiver with his wet hair and stare perplexed, but the sad truth is that I thought to myself that he needs to man up. If the leaders thought this was the right thing to do to help him not be a spiritual baby (aka: a new believer) he should joyfully embrace it. 

He got very sick a day later and we had to part, as he had a return flight scheduled, leaving both of us in an ongoing terribly confused emotional state. We liked each other so much, but could not agree to the spiritual terms that I had been taught were untouchable and unquestionable. That made me question if he and I belonged together. 

Within a few weeks I was told that my personal angel was on vacation time right now because I had lost my spiritual authority by being with James. During that particular prayer meeting it was decided that I had to break up with James and "fast" communicating with him for three weeks. I remember the leader, a high ranking police officer, saying that they could get into a lot of trouble for seemingly coercing someone to break up with their partner. I was just a sad shadow of myself by then. The most gut wrenching part was to call up my James and tell him, with an ocean between us, that we were bad for each other at this point. But I did it anyway. The whole reasoning behind that I explained in the last post. I decided I needed to be loyal to the people that had made such a difference in my life, no matter what I personally thought or felt. I just knew I was in such pain over being with James, whom I loved, that I wanted to believe that they knew how to get rid of that pain, like they had done before.

It was Thanksgivings Day for James and the way he recalls it that phone call could have gone much better if I hadn't cried like I was dying and talked as if I was forced against my will. Looking back over the two year on and off long distance relationship we had, the first breakup was probably the worst, as I would go on having somewhat learned to sound like the person that actually believed in what they're saying, and he got more and more aware of the fact that I indeed was in a cult and my leaders did not want us to be together. 

By Christmas the three fasting weeks were over. I had not received any clarity on my relationship with him, so I had to make it up. I over-spiritualized every little thing about my trip to the US and how "soulish" it was to allow myself to fall for a spiritual baby. But still, when I ended up calling him after those painful three weeks, I knew that he was my homestead on earth. But it couldn't be. I was torn between my hopes and feelings for him on the one side, and knowing about my trusted leader's disapproval of him on the other.  

My transparent upset demeanor at our group's New Years gathering was followed up by one of the famous "being called up by a leader to talk" the next day. In my three years with them I had a few of those and they were all problematic to say the least. The main leader basically said that he was shocked with my appearance and he was wondering if he should just release me to go to the US and be with James. That was a wake up call. Or a turn your brain off even more diligently call, if you will. 

Now I could only see two options: I either would be dishonorably released and delivered over to my own soulful will, wouldn't finish college, marry James right away, or leave James behind for ever but act according to my leader's approval. Why I could not see that neither James nor I were the real problem in the scenario, but it was their involvement that made our relationship so painful, I do not know. 

I also did not see that I really wanted to finish my studies and then go to the US, but that was not part of what they had offered me, so it was not on my radar. I, completely out of trust in my own decisions, caved in. I wrote James an email saying we couldn't have contact any more and that I wish him a nice life. I so badly wanted to feel my old self again. The self that was happy, felt full of purpose, and close to God. It was all gone. And honestly, taking that step with James only helped a little bit, and only for a little while. 

Father, I ask that you would heal the hearts that have been so damaged by entrusting their lives to bad leaders. Knit us closer to your heart as you deliver us from all the emotional and spiritual residue. Teach us who and how you really are. Amen

One Confused Zombie

Dear Reader!

We are still thinking about a spiritually abusive system as a trap one walks into willingly, expecting a great outcome, until it becomes clear that there is no way out. No way out does not mean that someone tells you in a deep voice, swinging a magic stick "You shall not pass!". We are talking about clever mind games and promises that fit the weaknesses and needs of the potential prey. These either lead to the prey running away quickly or, sadly to the prey shutting the emergency exit door from the inside. 

1) The right bait that will have the prey keep "its eye on the prize". Of course flies won't fly into your mouse trap, nor will mice stick to fly attracting glue strips.
2) A confinement system that is easy to get in and hard to get out.  
3) Really mean traps have a function where the animal wounds itself in the attempt to get out, like a wolf in a wolf trap with teeth, getting even more stuck in the trap, eventually tiring out in pain and defeat.                                      
               
             (Paraphrased from "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse", Chapter 17)

A Chaotic Time

I have often wondered if there was a moment, way before spiritual abuse became our culture, that I could have easily decided to leave. For instance, right after I experienced that very empowering Women's Conference. If I had taken the out-of-the-blue suggestion of the co-leader to start hanging with a friendly Christian student group instead, I would have left for my first trip to the US sometime mid-July and probably kept fond memories of the leaders (assuming those leaders would be easy going like most group leaders I have experienced in the Christian realm). 

But since I didn't leave, for reasons I hope to express in this post, I had to plan my trip in the style the leader fancied: Chaos and confusion. 

I started to have a hard time scheduling my trip to Minnesota in the late spring of 2007 because the leader just wouldn't tell me how long he thought it would be okay for me to leave. I had envisioned to spend my whole school-free summer with my new found mentor friend (and let me spoil the surprise; she's now my mother-in-law Stephanie), to then do a month long internship at a High School. 
But the leader got tired of me nagging and then decided that late August would suffice for a trip. 

When I did book a 7 week stay he was very surprised and told me he was thinking of two weeks tops. Well, he had never said that to me, nor would that have worked with my internship plans. I had no clue how I was supposed to guess that. To my later astonishment he didn't force me to cancel my ticket. But this chaotic and confusing behavior was apparently not strange enough to me, as I just ran with it. Life with them was adventurous and exciting. I started to feel alive, part of a greater purpose, a secret mission to save the world one prayer meeting at a time. I felt fantastic! 

He certainly didn't want to hear me complain about not having anything to do until late August, especially when I pointed out that 
"I knew that my time would be better spend in Minnesota, than vegging day to day here in our city". 
But he had just the perfect reply: 
"Stop blaming me, it was God who said to go in late August". 
Well, that certainly ended all discussion. 

In the meantime the group had developed a very tight core of young adults as you can hardly avoid when you are asked to meet almost every day, pray together for hours, and listen to sermons and teachings. 
We, the main core of the movement, all had one thing in common; We were loyal to the leadership- all having our individual experiences to believe that the leaders had good intentions and would help us mature in mind and spirit.  

"I am shocked about your attitude"

The night before I finally left for my trip to Minnesota we had our usual group meeting and everybody was asked to choose a picture representing how they felt at that time. The leader's main occupation was being a police trainer with a strong interest in psychology and adult education, which he ended up getting a PhD in. So, a lot of the time he would use the methods, techniques, or teachings he came across in his studies. 

I only recall my friend's and my own picture. Our hearts, especially in the beginning with them, were always unguarded and childlike trusting. It had gotten us mostly positive attention and encouragement. Well, this time it should be very different.

My friend was choosing the picture of a bouquet of flowers. It represented her desire to mend her relationship with her parents. Today, as I write this 7 years later, she is one of the hardcore left-over members of the group, and her relationship to her family is as broken as it could be. 

I shared a picture of sitting on packed suitcases, as I felt like I should have left a month ago to seek out what God had in store for me in the US. 

Well, our honesty got both of us an "apostolic" fiery announcement that started with "I am shocked about your attitude" and ended with my friend thinking she could never be close to her family again (I guess she wasn't wrong!), and me feeling like it would have been better if I had to cancel my trip. Apparently God was only going to be at work in Germany that summer and how could I, being part of this powerful group, want to miss that. We both felt terrible. We felt we had to repent and ask for forgiveness for missing the heart of God so badly and being so humanly soul-ish. 

But I still went to Minnesota and within a few days it was obvious that I not only was supposed to come to visit, but to become a part of their lives. My now husband and I knew we wanted to get married within three weeks, thought about eloping, but then decided to come up with a plan of him meeting my leaders in Germany first and to go from there. I was actually quite afraid to tell them over the phone that we were seriously together. Fear... another great indicator that something is wrong!

The Nightmare Begins

When I returned to Germany after 7 weeks of sheer empowerment and joy the leader called me that night to tell me that he knows that I am planning on heading back to the US, but he must warn me as he had a prophetic dream. He basically told me that if I went back to the US I would be spiritually spoiled there and lose my strong anointing and calling. 

He went on to tell me that he had to dismiss my very good friend from college that I brought into the group because he was making bad choices and was disobedient. I knew that meant I had lost him as a friend forever.
On top of that they had a major falling out with the Christian student group we had started to mentor before I left, including one drug addict I and the co-leader had invested intense prophetic healing and deliverance prayer into. 

That night I had an anxiety attack. How could the world I returned to have fallen apart and the new world I thought God had introduced me to turn out to be a robber of my destiny? It didn't make any sense. What was God doing? 

I confided in my mom the next day and she was of course very concerned. But I did decide to have her drive me back to the college city and meet with the group, just to see what they had to say. I felt like a shadow of myself. Just a day ago I was walking on sunshine and now everything I had was confusion.  

During this meeting the leaders were unusually serene. They were so glad to see me again! The main leader, as if he knew what I needed to hear before I did, used words that turned out to be the magical key to my compliance; 
The leader said that I am free to go and lead the life that I think I should, but he would be very sad because we are friends.

Slavish Loyalty 

Looking back I heard him use this kind of language around me at a few pivotal times when something very extreme was asked of me. It worked like a charm. It was a new bait; the privilege that this authoritative, powerful, charismatic, and respectable man saw me as a friend. It implied that we saw eye-to-eye. It meant I was of value to him. It was the bait I needed to be presented with in order to be distracted from everything else that was going on. 

Why didn't I leave then? A part of me thought I was being loyal and consistent. I thought after leading a life of making emotional and unwise choices I had finally found mature people who taught me how to think, how to live close to God, how to be powerful in the kingdom of God, that to leave now would mean to go back to making emotional and unwise choices. 

I remembered how it hurt to be told to have to come to that expensive Women's conference. But it all turned out so wonderfully and it was because of them! I thought I needed to honor them as the leaders that helped me get free from depression and gave me a vision for my life, and introduced me to hearing the voice of God. They also were the reason why I met my husband-to be. It all seemed to point in their direction. They considered me a friend. And, to be really thorough, I was also afraid to fail as I would have to venture out on my own again. So, I stayed. 

The story goes that a monkey can be trapped by putting a banana on a table, making a wall with a hand-sized hole in it, so it can grab the banana, but cannot get it through the hole. If he is willing to let go of the banana he would be free. But the idea of that banana is just too good to give up, so he sacrifices his idea, gets caught and put in a cage, and as they carry him away he has his banana and momentarily forgets about the fact that he just lost his freedom forever.  
I now had the idea that the leader was my friend, that we saw eye-to-eye, and that he was my necessary spiritual guide without who I would not be able to arrive at God's destiny for my life.


In the next post we will look at the third part of a great trap. We will focus on how the desire for spiritual sanity in a spiritually abusive system will be answered with religious insanity.

To discovering that the Good News is much better than we thought!

How To Catch A Sickly Human In A Zombie-Trap

Dear Reader!

Did you ever have to set up traps in your house to catch flies or mice? Then you know what the key to a great trap is: 

1) The right bait that will have the prey keep "its eye on the prize". Of course flies won't fly into your mouse trap, nor will mice stick to fly attracting glue strips.
2) A confinement system that is easy to get in and hard to get out.  
3) Really mean traps have a function where the animal wounds itself in the attempt to get out, like a wolf in a wolf trap with teeth, getting even more stuck in the trap, eventually tiring out in pain and defeat.                                      
               
               (Paraphrased from "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse", Chapter 17)

We can note that there is a perfect trap for each little critter or bugger in the world. In the same way it works with spiritual abusive systems. 

Even though my focus in this blog is on religious groups, you could transfer these observations to people prone to finding themselves in abusive relationships or even addictions. 

Perfect set up

When I encountered the two men that ended up turning into the focal point of my life for about three years I was simply in need. Since I was raised in a Baptist church and spent most of my childhood and youth in a christian setting it was a natural choice for me to eventually- and hesitantly- show up in the Baptist church of the city that I had moved to to go to college. 

I want to honor the Baptists for their approach to educate their members, addressing the mind that can be filled with and influenced by Bible stories, encouraging fellowship, evangelism, and charity. I first came to know about Jesus in the Baptist church and I had considered the Baptist church in my home town a spiritual home of sorts. But being released into the great big world I wasn't equipped with much more but a head knowledge of God and no clue how to shape my life. From early childhood on I had aspirations of grandeur, I wanted to be famous and really important. I wanted to be loved and accepted, and thought that to find a husband would be the cure for it all, next to winning an Oscar. 

My dreamworld collided with reality when it was time to set sail to make my dreams come true and I found myself depressed and visionless in a service of the Baptist church in my new town. I sat in the back and could hardly make out the face of the short but charismatic preacher, and it was to me in that wasted August of 2006 as if God was speaking to me and telling me that I need to stick around this man. I decided that God had told me that I was going to marry this man. Hope entered my heart and life.

Perfect bait

I stuck around this man and was invited to a service of his and the aspiring new pastor's ecumenical project. I ended up in a two-on-one meeting with those two and was showered with love, open ears, and the promise they see potential in me. I was walking on sunshine. We met a lot, they were very interested in getting to know details of my life which I was willing to share, and I met other "members". They taught me how to control my thoughts, how to call upon the help of the Holy Spirit, transform my mind with sheer power of the will, and to hold Bible verses against thoughts of depression. By golly, it worked! 

The fact that they failed to stay in contact with me during a month of an out of town internship, where I was again confronted with my depression, I forgave willingly because the co-leader apologized and presented himself as one of my best friends. But yet I was hesitant to sign up for the international women's conference put on by them that would be unusually expensive to attend. The leader gave one of my first "announcements" - a rather harsh admonishing-  in front of the whole group that he was disappointed by my hesitation and that I needed to learn to invest my resources into valuable opportunities. He said I needed to attend expecting a pool rather than a puddle, and that I'd miss out big time if I wouldn't attend. 

One of the other guys that hung around them talked to me after the meeting and uttered concern that the tone the leader used was inappropriate and that he had put pressure on me. Even though I had sort of noticed that, it felt astoundingly familiar. Who would have thought that growing up with a rather harsh father, ready to give me a piece of his mind at any moment, would prepare me for learning how God brings correction to my life?! (I hope you picked up on the irony here...)

Needless to say I attended the conference in the spring of 2007. I met a wonderful woman and her family from Minnesota that I planned on visiting that summer. The leaders were confirmed by respected international guests as apostolic leaders with a calling to all of Germany (in case you didn't know this about me- it all took place in Germany). I was prophesied over that I would have a prophetic gifting and calling for leadership. There was the pool I had expected and also the game changer! 

Suddenly I was respected, my opinion started to matter, and the leaders asked me to partake in leadership related meetings. When God clearly spoke to me that the co-leader was never supposed to be my husband and that He actually wanted to address and heal my sad need for finding a husband, the promise that the leaders would help me find my place in the kingdom of God kept me with them. The bait was perfect. 

Where else was I supposed to go, now that I had encountered the Holy Spirit for the first time in my life, experienced the power of the Gospel that seemed to be such a theoretical matter in my Baptist upbringing, getting to know God as a personable, talking, opinionated force in my life? When the two leaders dramatically fell out with the Baptist church (more about the pattern of leaving a trail of broken relationships in a later post) the co-leader offered me to release me to a student church group, but I had no intention of leaving! This is where I thought I was filled with the Holy Spirit and became a powerful citizen of the kingdom of God. I was certain I belonged with them. My life had made a tangible turn to the better. They had genuinely earned my trust and powerfully displayed that they are very close to God, and that He is working through them.

What bait would work for you?

I have met some people that are certain when hearing my story that they could never end up in a situation like me. They would know better. They would have a better sense of protecting their boundaries. They wouldn't fall for someone promising them the stars in the sky. Intuitively I feel like everybody has a weak spot, something that would get them to believe that it really is a good idea to go after the bait. On the other hand there may very well be people that at the end of the day decide they don't need other people to get to where they want to be. They just may be a little safer off than the ones that do go out and make themselves vulnerable, daring to let their guard down, and believe. Anyway, the better we are aware of our hopes and needs the easier we recognize that someone will end up preying on them. 

I encourage you to think about relationships in your life. Predators put out bait, but the prey falls for it because it has a motive. 

What are your motives? 
What are you looking for? 
What kind of abuse would you be willing to endure because you believe that you really need to be in relationship with that person?

If you are a Christian I want to remind you that Jesus promised us abundant life (John 10,10). But we don't have to go striving to find it. HE has it for us. By being transparent and honest with what is really going on in our heart we can encounter this God who loves us and truly knows what we need. When He healed my heart from longing to fill the void with a husband, I was finally secure in the knowledge that God's love is what I am really looking for. So, when I met my actual husband I wasn't needy and desperate for love anymore. I was filled with the experience that God sees my heart and if I let Him, He fills it with His love. This can start really small, but my faith and trust in God has organically grown by experience. 

Of course you can interject that I had thought the same about my eventually bad leaders, but I need to point out that the fruit of my life back then when I put most of my trust into my leaders versus now, that I'm in the process of putting all my trust in God, is fundamentally different. It's a matter of fear vs. freedom. 

In the next post we will be addressing the second part of a great trap.


To discovering that the Good News is much better than we thought!






  

How To Recognize That You Are A Zombie

"Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person's spiritual empowerment." 
From: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson & Jeff Van Vonderen http://www.amazon.com/The-Subtle-Power-Spiritual-Abuse/dp/0764201379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406580950&sr=8-1&keywords=the+subtle+power+of+spiritual+abuse)

Dear Reader!

It took about a year after leaving/being kicked out of my small Evangelical Christian fellowship to recognize that I was indeed in a full-fledged cult, and had been turned into a zombie. 

Welcome to my new blog "Church Of The Living Dead?!"! 

I hope you find challenging thoughts, truth, wisdom, and freedom as I take you on the many stations of my journey to overcoming and being healed from Spiritual Abuse. I hope to reach believers that are seeking information on spiritual abuse, or that are currently in cults or find themselves entangled in spiritually abusive dynamics, and also victims that have left the church, never to return. This is a safe zone and I will not put any new law on you. I'll be sharing experiences and revelations with you. I'll be presenting a healthy and authentic expressing of the Christian faith as I have found it with the help of the Holy Spirit working through many other believers from many denominations. I'll be quoting from different books that made a strong impact on me and post, if applicable, an amazon.com link when I mention them for the first time. 

Me, a zombie?

A zombie, depending on the movie you are thinking of, is fairly dumb, slow, and only wants to eat brains. When I think of zombies I have a picture in mind of a falling apart body, stretched out arms, "uuuuuhhhh" vocalizing, and ready-to-bite-ya attitude displaying shell of a former person, cursed to exist like this until someone decapitates them. They often still wear the clothing they had on when they were bitten, reminding us that they were once human.

The zombie comparison is fitting with my old self back then as a self-proclaimed "Forefront forerunner, remnant Soldier-Warrior of God". Me and my other cult member brothers and sisters, we truly learned to function and think in uniformity. We had the mob-mentality perfected to trying to wear the same clothes (my cult leader was into the business world, so our uniform was to try to look like business people), we spoke the same christianese/psychology infused language, and single-mindedly looked for potential new members to woo by getting into their heads with a display of our spiritual gifts, or the forcing on of them, and ability to appear like real, free and happy humans that just want to help the lost. 

Quietly, when the idea started to slowly spread in my heart that the "Good News" of Jesus honestly wasn't good news for me anymore, I felt increasingly more like a hypocrite that was trying to turn others into what I knew was a miserable existence. But, I had no right no leave. To leave the group would have been like smacking God in the face and tell Him: "Well, thanks for thinking me worthy for this radical life of obedience, in your intimate presence, and saving the world every day and night, but I just think it's not for me anymore. I'd rather have some peace and well, a life I actually like." That is how I was taught to think. So, like a zombie, I couldn't change a thing because I had turned of my own ability to reason, discern, think or feel, trapped by a system of lies and manipulations put up by a mastermind leader (that I will discuss in detail in future posts). 

9 Questions A Zombie Would Answer With "Yes":

1. Do you think that your church/group is probably the best, if not the only, haven for new believers?

2. Do you feel like deep down you single-handedly need to save, baptize, and disciple every person you meet?

3. Do you think your pastor/leader is the only Christian authority you can really trust and you are also a little scared of him as he has a biblically backed up system of authority over the congregation?

4. Do you live in fear of making mistakes, upsetting God, missing what the Holy Spirit wants to do through you, failing to save the number of people you were supposed to? 

5. Do you secretly or openly judge other believers for not following the expectations and rules that your church/group has established?

6. Do you feel pressure to make specific choices put on you by your spiritual leadership, that had earned your trust before, even though God has not confirmed it to you personally?

7. Do you feel like you cannot trust that God speaks clearly to you, therefore your leaders are right to expect you to run every detail of your life by them?

8. Do you believe that every sentence in the Bible could potentially be exactly what God wants to say to you right now and the way of knowing that is how much the sentence implements the FEAR of God in you?

9. Do you have to daily think/repent of your habitual sins or character shortcomings or even keep a list so you can stop committing them?

If you answered with "yes" to any of these questions, or even a "maybe a little", I invite you to go to our Father in heaven and talk to Him about it. I will address my thoughts on all of these points in future posts, but I think you would benefit from allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to you about how good the Good News is. If there is a reason for you to honestly call something bad a Christian presents to you as part of the Good News, you are either not ready to receive it or they are bluntly wrong. In either case you can always seek council with our Father and/or a few trusted believers. Just an fyi; If anyone in our group brought up doubts or questions to another believer, the questioned one had a great chance to display his/her loyalty to the leadership, so you may want to consider asking people that are not part of your group. 

Lasting physical fear, anxiety or condemnation are not from God if you are truthfully sharing your heart with Him. If Jesus Christ is your savior and you have surrendered to him, no one can deny you to be a new creation. It is not by looking into darkness that we learn what light is, but by looking into the light. Remember that the truth of Jesus Christ sets us free from the accusation of having broken the law. 

To discovering that the Good News is much better than we thought!

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